Did you know the GPS signal from a phone can tell you the make, model, and colour of a car? Well according to The Snowman, you can.
If you read my Top 9 list for my most anticipated movies of the fall season, you would know that I was really excited for this movie. It made my list above movies like 3 Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri and The Shape of Water, and a bunch of other movies I am dying to see. Needless to say, this movie did not meet anywhere near my expectations. I'd go as far as to call it a shitastrophe. I don't understand how a movie coming from very well-received source material, with a great premise, a great director, and an A-list cast can end up this bad. But it did, so here we are.
The Snowman follows the investigation of a serial killer that leaves his mark with snowmen. The case is in the hands of Michael Fassbender's Harry Hole (yes they named a guy Harry Hole), and Rebecca Ferguson's Katrine Bratt. The case that unfolds is full of shitty twists that come from nowhere and bad development of a mystery that should be a hundred times more compelling than it is.
The acting in this movie is fine for the most part. Ferguson is good as always but her character's development only happens in a random undeveloped twist. Fassbender's character is more fleshed out, but for the first ten minutes he spends on screen he is just stumbling around drunk and waking up hungover. I don't know why people that make some movies feel the need to hit the audience with the fact that their main character is an alcoholic. All I needed in this movie was the first shot of Fassbender where he is passed out in a shed with a bottle of vodka, I didn't need to keep seeing him fall over for as long as I did. The Girl on the Train had this same issue so maybe it's just a problem with bad mystery thrillers but either way it gets really annoying. This film also features JK Simmons who is always great, except in this movie where he does nothing but speak to crowds. I think his character was supposed to be used as a red herring that we think is the villain but that was developed so badly I don't even know. Toby Jones and James D'Arcy are two great actors in this movie that are also given nothing to do, which is just lovely. Val Kilmer is also in the movie, which would be lovely if he wasn't voiced over so badly that you can clearly see the dialogue not lining up with the movement of his mouth.
The garbage synchronization in the Val Kilmer scenes is one of three majorly bad effects in this movie. In the opening scene there is a shot from behind a car that is driving away, and it is so painfully obvious that it is in front of a green screen you'd think the shot was pre-Hitchcock. That was one that was absolutely inexcusable to me with how incredible modern technology is. There is also a shot (featured partially in the trailer) where the killer puts a snowman head on top of a stump where he shot a man's head off, and the CGI of the remains of the head looks like it came from a Sharknado movie. The worst part is, that isn't even the worst of the film making. I will however say that there are some very beautiful shots in the movie. The storytelling in this movie is almost like a bunch of scenes held together by a ten year old piece of chewed bubble gum. The story jumps around like crazy with nothing being explained or developed, to the point where parts of the movie are incomprehensible. A lot of stupid things also happen. My opening line about the GPS was what tipped me over the edge of hating this movie and some scenes are stupider, like one where Harry Holes ex-wife sits on him and starts making out for two seconds and then just gets up and scowls at him. Another issue with this movie, especially with it being a thriller, is the tension. Why is it an issue? because there isn't any. I spent more time laughing at the stupidity of this movie than I did on the edge of my seat, which really pissed me off. Pretty much every interesting scene came out of nowhere quickly and was done after a maximum of three minutes. And in case you were worried it might make up for the garbage leading up to it, the ending is one of the worst I've seen in a very long time.
If you were looking forward to this movie, cry yourself to sleep and go see Geostorm, which looks stupid as shit but is still probably better than The Snowman. I've heard the source material is fantastic so maybe someday it can be adapted into something great but this movie was a boring train wreck from start to finish and I don't think I can recommend it to anybody.
P.S. my friend thought this movie was about killer snowmen and I'm pretty sure that would make for a better movie
Rating: 1.3/5
Written by Matt McKenzie
If you read my Top 9 list for my most anticipated movies of the fall season, you would know that I was really excited for this movie. It made my list above movies like 3 Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri and The Shape of Water, and a bunch of other movies I am dying to see. Needless to say, this movie did not meet anywhere near my expectations. I'd go as far as to call it a shitastrophe. I don't understand how a movie coming from very well-received source material, with a great premise, a great director, and an A-list cast can end up this bad. But it did, so here we are.
The Snowman follows the investigation of a serial killer that leaves his mark with snowmen. The case is in the hands of Michael Fassbender's Harry Hole (yes they named a guy Harry Hole), and Rebecca Ferguson's Katrine Bratt. The case that unfolds is full of shitty twists that come from nowhere and bad development of a mystery that should be a hundred times more compelling than it is.
The acting in this movie is fine for the most part. Ferguson is good as always but her character's development only happens in a random undeveloped twist. Fassbender's character is more fleshed out, but for the first ten minutes he spends on screen he is just stumbling around drunk and waking up hungover. I don't know why people that make some movies feel the need to hit the audience with the fact that their main character is an alcoholic. All I needed in this movie was the first shot of Fassbender where he is passed out in a shed with a bottle of vodka, I didn't need to keep seeing him fall over for as long as I did. The Girl on the Train had this same issue so maybe it's just a problem with bad mystery thrillers but either way it gets really annoying. This film also features JK Simmons who is always great, except in this movie where he does nothing but speak to crowds. I think his character was supposed to be used as a red herring that we think is the villain but that was developed so badly I don't even know. Toby Jones and James D'Arcy are two great actors in this movie that are also given nothing to do, which is just lovely. Val Kilmer is also in the movie, which would be lovely if he wasn't voiced over so badly that you can clearly see the dialogue not lining up with the movement of his mouth.
The garbage synchronization in the Val Kilmer scenes is one of three majorly bad effects in this movie. In the opening scene there is a shot from behind a car that is driving away, and it is so painfully obvious that it is in front of a green screen you'd think the shot was pre-Hitchcock. That was one that was absolutely inexcusable to me with how incredible modern technology is. There is also a shot (featured partially in the trailer) where the killer puts a snowman head on top of a stump where he shot a man's head off, and the CGI of the remains of the head looks like it came from a Sharknado movie. The worst part is, that isn't even the worst of the film making. I will however say that there are some very beautiful shots in the movie. The storytelling in this movie is almost like a bunch of scenes held together by a ten year old piece of chewed bubble gum. The story jumps around like crazy with nothing being explained or developed, to the point where parts of the movie are incomprehensible. A lot of stupid things also happen. My opening line about the GPS was what tipped me over the edge of hating this movie and some scenes are stupider, like one where Harry Holes ex-wife sits on him and starts making out for two seconds and then just gets up and scowls at him. Another issue with this movie, especially with it being a thriller, is the tension. Why is it an issue? because there isn't any. I spent more time laughing at the stupidity of this movie than I did on the edge of my seat, which really pissed me off. Pretty much every interesting scene came out of nowhere quickly and was done after a maximum of three minutes. And in case you were worried it might make up for the garbage leading up to it, the ending is one of the worst I've seen in a very long time.
If you were looking forward to this movie, cry yourself to sleep and go see Geostorm, which looks stupid as shit but is still probably better than The Snowman. I've heard the source material is fantastic so maybe someday it can be adapted into something great but this movie was a boring train wreck from start to finish and I don't think I can recommend it to anybody.
P.S. my friend thought this movie was about killer snowmen and I'm pretty sure that would make for a better movie
Rating: 1.3/5
Written by Matt McKenzie
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